Two posts for the price of one!

Don't say I ain't never gave you nothin'.

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GUNSTREETGIRL: I came up with a new word today: "Supercide." It's when you kill yourself, but in a really big way that take it from being a personal endeavor to a spectator sport, like lighting yourself on fire in a crowded shopping mall.

BONE: ...

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after GSG talks about doing something dorky and cute

GSG: I know, I'm disgusting.
B: That's okay. It's "good" disgusting, not "I've worn the same underwear for five days" disgusting.
GSG: I haven't worn any underwear in two days.
B: Huh? Are you marinating in your pants right now?
GSG: No, just enjoying the freedom. I like feeling the wind rushing between my labia.
B: So, you're hanging the beef tapestry then.
GSG: Yeah. I wanna tie them in French braids.

Two posts for the price of one!

Don't say I ain't never gave you nothin'.

----------

GUNSTREETGIRL: I came up with a new word today: "Supercide." It's when you kill yourself, but in a really big way that take it from being a personal endeavor to a spectator sport, like lighting yourself on fire in a crowded shopping mall.

BONE: ...

----------

after GSG talks about doing something dorky and cute

GSG: I know, I'm disgusting.
B: That's okay. It's "good" disgusting, not "I've worn the same underwear for five days" disguting.
GSG: I haven't worn any underwear in two days.
B: Huh? Are you marinating in your pants right now?
GSG: No, just enjoying the freedom. I like feeling the wind rushing between my labia.
B: So, you're hanging the beef tapestry then.
GSG: Yeah. I wanna tie them in French braids.

BONE: I'm thinking about moving.
GUNSTREETGIRL: What? Where?
B: I dunno. Latin America, maybe. Possibly Brazil. I've been listening to a lot of bossa nova recently.
GSG: But you don't speak Portugese.
B: Doesn't matter. Haven't you ever seen Better Off Dead? I speak "the international language."
GSG: What's that? "Anal?"

On IM today

GUNSTREETGIRL: do you know whats funny?
GUNSTREETGIRL: in a conversation
GUNSTREETGIRL: replace a random word with "bear trap" and respond to the person youre speaking with as if their subject has shifted to bear trap
GUNSTREETGIRL: eg
GUNSTREETGIRL: "hey, wanna go get something to eat?"
GUNSTREETGIRL: BUT WONT THAT HURT?
GUNSTREETGIRL: "um, its just eating"
GUNSTREETGIRL: BUT...BUT...ISNT THAT DANGEROUS?
GUNSTREETGIRL: "dude, if you chew you wont choke or anything"
GUNSTREETGIRL: IT CANT BE SAFE. I DONT THINK IVE HAD A TETNUS SHOT.
GUNSTREETGIRL: wtf are you talking about?
GUNSTREETGIRL: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOURE THE ONE THAT WANTS TO HANG OUT IN A BEAR TRAP.
GUNSTREETGIRL: etc
BONE: nice!!!!!

Vampire Porn

Yesterday, gunstreetgirl and I decided that we don't ever want to die. Since the technology for uploading one's consciousness to the Internet is still a highly guarded government secret, and because I'm scared of zombies and would rather not be one, we figured the best way to achieve our goal of immortality would be to become vampires.

Eternity lasts for a long time though, and we'd probably get bored eventually. The day that happens, we're making vampire porn.

Of course we've already come up with some titles...

Trampires
Rear Dark
Cum-derworld
Cunt Fuckula
The HungDead
HungDead 2: Zombie Gangbang
Mount Dracula
Transvestalvania
Blows-Feratu (a POV blowjob movie... where POV stands for "Point Of Vampire)
Rackula
Sack-ula (the gay version of Rackula. I'm also envisioning a bisexual-themed movie called Rackula Vs. Sackula)
The Lust Boys

More fun with text messaging

The "In Soviet Russia"/cliche mashup version:

GUNSTREETGIRL: In soviet russia, sleeping dogs let YOU lie.
BONE: In soviet russia, gift horse look YOU in mouth- because he checks for kgb listening devices.
GSG: In soviet russia, cat let YOU out of bag... to deliver to kgb.
B: In soviet russia, YOU cry over spilled milk while standing in bread line.
GSG: In soviet russia, penny saved is penny earned... to take family to america.
B: In soviet russia, you bury hatchet... in imperialist spy's lying face.
GSG: In soviet russia, messenger shoot YOU- messenger for kgb!
B: In soviet russia, two birds kill YOU with government-issued stone.
GSG: In soviet russia, early bird catches worm... to go to siberian prison.

We suck at updating...

... and shall endeavor to do a better job in the future.

Here's a conversation Gunstreetgirl and I had last summer:

GUNSTREETGIRL: How many inappropriate jokes do you think I make a day?
BONE: Six.
GSG: Heh.
B: Actually, six... times one humdred and eleven.
GSG: You fag. Stupid math humor.
gunstreetgirl sips from her can of Diet Coke
B: Yeah, me and my wacky integers.
GSG: laughs, shoots Coca-Cola from her nose

FLOURISH. EXEUNT.

More Kittens

The Daily Kitten

"Immigrant Song" and Viking kittens

In keeping with today's "kittens" theme...

One, two, three, four, I declare a Kitten War!

Fun with text messaging

BONE: Snatch-squatch
GUNSTREETGIRL: Cowbell
B: You know what this song needs? More sasquatch-cowbell.
GSG: You know what this salad needs? More sasquatch
B: Toss a sasquatch's salad.

Hot Sasquatch Action

The physical act of fucking a sasquatch is not nearly as difficult as one might imagine.

The year was 1992, my sophomore year of college. I was still living in California (this predates my University of Miami days), with its permissive, "anything goes" atmosphere. I was at a rowdy Halloween party. If you must know, I was dressed as a circa-1987 "glam metal rocker," with a huge mullet-riffic wig and a Warrant t-shirt that is still in my closet. Anyway, I started chatting up this lovely, 6'9" girl who turned out to be a Yeti-American, but at the time I thought she was a human in a sasquatch costume.

She was really witty, with a cruel streak in her sense of humor that delighted me. Plus, she had deep, soulful brown eyes, and an amazing ass... so, once we got a little tipsy on the "grain alcohol-and-Gatorade" concoction being served by our hosts, when she suggested we go upstairs who was I to say no?

I'm not going to go into the actual mechanics of Bigfoot fornication, as I'd like to maintain at least a pretense of decorum on this blog. All I will say is that I see the evolutionary advantage in the thick shaggy hair. Sasquatchi can get very, um, vigorous... and it helps to have something to grab onto.

She and I hung out a couple of times after that, but nothing ever happened again. We both reached the unspoken conclusion that perhaps we were better off not pursuing a meaningful relationship with each other. Last I heard she moved back to British Columbia and has some sort of job in corporate litigation. There are times when I like awake at night and wonder "What might have been?"

And then I remember that she's a frigging sasquatch, and I get over it.

methylxanthine7 (12:39:45 AM): your sceptre is the gayest in the land.
derknochen73 (12:40:04 AM): but it's big, in spite of it's gaiety.
methylxanthine7 (12:40:30 AM): or perhaps because of it.
methylxanthine7 (12:40:37 AM): big in gay, though, small in size.
methylxanthine7 (12:40:45 AM): big GAY, small girth.
derknochen73 (12:41:05 AM): big gay girth, and tremendously big girthly girth
methylxanthine7 (12:41:10 AM): i could fit 11 of them in my mouth.
derknochen73 (12:41:19 AM): because you are galactus
derknochen73 (12:41:34 AM): you eat worlds. worlds of cock.
methylxanthine7 (12:42:15 AM): and you may be my little sprightly herald....
methylxanthine7 (12:42:27 AM): did someone order a silver leotard? with a mask?
derknochen73 (12:42:32 AM): the silver-big-dicked-surfer
derknochen73 (12:42:45 AM): i ride my surfboard sized genitals
methylxanthine7 (12:42:52 AM): yah.
derknochen73 (12:42:54 AM): through space!
methylxanthine7 (12:43:01 AM): it is called "masturbation"
methylxanthine7 (12:43:09 AM): cosmic style.
methylxanthine7 (12:43:18 AM): the power cosmic was never so kinky.
derknochen73 (12:43:43 AM): i came on jupiter; that's how the big red spot happened
derknochen73 (12:43:49 AM): i have red jizz
derknochen73 (12:43:56 AM): red cosmic jizz
methylxanthine7 (12:44:06 AM): you must have the red jizz of the devil in your balls.
methylxanthine7 (12:44:10 AM): it happens.
methylxanthine7 (12:44:17 AM): when mine is black, like the inky night.
derknochen73 (12:44:26 AM): i have the actual devil in my balls
derknochen73 (12:44:54 AM): he's been subcontracted to produce red jizz in my testicles
derknochen73 (12:45:09 AM): it's a sweatshop operation. ho, ho, ho

This is from the conversation last night during which Gunstreetgirl and I decided to jointly start a blog of humorous miscellanea:

BONE: You know who we should invite as a member of this blog? Theron.
GUNSTREETGIRL: Theron's rad. I want to have his baby... so I can drown it.

I read A Brief History of Time a few years ago. I don't remember much about the experience, except for thinking "This would be so much cooler as an audiobook read by Stephen Hawking... in his real voice."

Girthquake

[the link is not safe to open at work]

GUNSTREETGIRL: I need to do something nice for myself.

BONE: There's a "vibrating dong" called the Girthquake. Maybe you should get one of those.

GSG: ...

GSG: Never say "girthquake" to me on a Sunday again.